Posted on March 7, 2024 by Katherine Fox.

How to Talk to Your Parents About Estate Planning

Why do I need to talk to my parents about their end-of-life wishes and estate plan?

Talking with your family about money can be hard.

Talking with your family about death can be harder.

Talking with your family about what will happen to their money when they die can be an extremely uncomfortable double-whammy.

Despite the discomfort, it's essential to talk with your parents about their estate plan before it’s too late. Too many inheritors are left with questions and distress from aspects of their parent’s or grandparent’s estate plan that they don’t understand.

Imagine one of your parents suddenly becomes medically incapacitated. Maybe they are suffering from a disease of aging, maybe they get into a bad accident.

Whatever the case, they’re in the hospital and doctors are looking to YOU to make decisions about their care.

• Do you know what they would want? 

• Are you comfortable making those decisions?

• Do you have legal authority to make those decisions on their behalf?

These are all reasons to start talking to your parents about their end-of-life wishes.

Also, the last interaction you will ever have with your parents is what happens after they die. 

Don’t you want that interaction to be positive?

You don’t want to be guessing what your parents would have wanted after their death. 

Even if you are fully aligned with your parent's estate plan, the best way to prepare for an inheritance is to know what is coming and how it is coming, before it arrives. You don’t want to wonder how to interpret aspects of your parent’s or grandparent’s wishes after they’re gone.

And if you have siblings or will be inheriting along with other family members, you want to be crystal clear about your parent’s goals for their estate plan. 

You don’t want to be fighting with family or second-guessing your own decisions while you’re struggling with grief and a mountain of logistics. 

How to Talk to Your Parents About Estate Planning

What do I need to know to start talking with my parents about their end-of-life wishes and estate plan?

The best way to prepare to start talking with your parents about their end-of-life wishes and estate plan is to get educated. You can download The 20 Terms Inheritors Need to Know for a full run-down. I have a teaser here with the Top 5 Terms you need to get started:

WILL: A will is a legal document that details how a testator wants their assets and property distributed after their death. A properly executed will name an executor or personal representative. Wills may also contain provisions for the creation of trusts upon the death of the settlor.

ADVANCED DIRECTIVE OR LIVING WILL: This document is used to appoint a healthcare representative who can make medical decisions on your behalf when you are incapacitated.

POWER OF ATTORNEY: A power of attorney is a document that grants legal authorization for a designated person to make decisions about another person's property, finances, or medical care.

TRUST: A trust is a legal document that creates a fiduciary relationship between a trustee who holds and manages assets on behalf of beneficiaries. Trusts can be used to minimize estate taxes, preserve privacy, and avoid probate. They allow the grantor or settlor to control their wealth and define their legacy from beyond the grave.

EXECUTOR or PERSONAL REPRESENTATIVE: The person responsible for overseeing the distribution and closure of the estate. The executor or personal representative has a fiduciary duty to administer the decedent’s estate in accordance with estate documents and all applicable laws and tax codes. A testator generally names their executor or personal representative in their will.

How do I start a conversation with my parents about their end-of-life wishes and estate plan?

You know your parents best and what strategies will work for them. 

If you have open communication about family money and you think they will be OK talking about death, you can state what you’re looking to do outright:

Parent(s), I love you and I know that sometimes after people die things go sideways. It can create unhappy memories for loved ones and put stress on the family you left behind. I want to hold on to happy memories of you. Can we talk about your end-of-life wishes and estate plan so I don’t have any surprises after you’re gone?

Pro Tip: preview this conversation so you’re parents aren’t caught off guard when you bring it up. You can give them a heads up in-person, via text, e-mail, or however you communicate at least a day or two before you plan to open the actual conversation. 

If your parents don’t respond well to direct communication, try engaging them in conversation during a different activity, rather than head-on.

When you’re in the car, walking, hiking, or doing a project that occupies your hands are all good opportunities to start making inroads. 

If you’re taking the indirect route, don’t start with a broad opening like the one above. Instead, drop in smaller questions it seems like you just thought of:

“Have you thought about your end-of-life wishes?”

“Do you have a will?” 

However you start a conversation with your parents about their end-of-life wishes and estate plan, make it clear why you’re asking. 

Ensure they know you are coming from a place of genuine support and are gathering information to honor their wishes. 

It can be an uncomfortable conversation for families who have never discussed these topics. Don’t be surprised if you get pushback or are met with a stone wall the first time you raise these issues.

What questions should I ask when talking to my parents about medical care at the end of their lives?

• Have you thought about the type of medical care you want to receive if you become seriously ill or incapacitated?

• Do you have a preference for where you would like to receive end-of-life care, such as at home or in a hospice facility?

• Have you appointed a healthcare proxy or completed an advance healthcare directive to specify your medical treatment preferences?

• Do you want to be resuscitated if your heart stops, or would you prefer a do-not-resuscitate (DNR) order if your condition is terminal?

• What are your thoughts on life-sustaining treatments such as mechanical ventilation or feeding tubes?

• What are your thoughts on receiving palliative care to manage pain and improve the quality of life during a terminal illness?

• Is there a particular healthcare facility or physician you'd like to be involved in your care during a serious illness?

• Have you discussed your end-of-life preferences with your primary care physician or healthcare provider?

What questions should I ask when talking to my parents about their end-of-life wishes?

• Who should be informed immediately if there's a change in your health or a significant medical event?

• Have you thought about setting up a power of attorney for financial and legal matters in case you're incapacitated and unable to manage them?

• Do you have a strategy in place for covering potential long-term care expenses, such as assisted living or nursing home care?

• Have you documented important information like your healthcare insurance details, medical history, and contacts for healthcare providers?

• Do you have any religious or spiritual beliefs that should be taken into account when making medical or end-of-life decisions?

• Have you considered how you'd like your funeral or memorial service to be conducted?

• Are there specific religious or cultural customs to be followed?

• Is there a preferred burial or cremation option that you'd like? Have you made any arrangements or purchases related to this?

• Do you have specific wishes for your remains, such as scattering ashes in a particular location or interment in a family plot?

What questions should I ask when talking to my parents about their estate plan?

• Is there a document or letter of instruction that outlines your final wishes and any specific guidance for your heirs?

• Do you have a will or trust in place?

• Who is the executor of your estate? Who are the backups if that person is unable to serve?

• If you have a trust, who have you appointed as trustee? Who are the backups if that person is unable to serve?

• Where can I find copies of your will, trust, or any other important estate planning documents?

• Do you keep a list of your assets and liabilities, including bank accounts, investments, debts, and real estate properties? If so, where should I look for it?

• Have you made arrangements for your digital assets, like online accounts and passwords, to be managed or transferred?

• Do you have up-to-date beneficiaries on file for your financial accounts, life insurance policies, and retirement plans?

• Do you have any specific wishes for the distribution of sentimental or valuable personal items among family members?

• What is your hope for your real estate properties, including your primary residence and any vacation homes?

• Is there a plan for the continuation or sale of any family businesses or partnerships?

• Do you have any loans or debts owed to you, and what should be done about them in your estate plan?

• Have you discussed your estate plan with an attorney or financial advisor recently?

LEARN MORE ABOUT MANAGING AN INHERITANCE

How can I talk to my parents about estate planning when they refuse to discuss their death or potential medical issues at the end of their lives?

If you’ve tried talking to your parents about their end-of-life wishes or estate plan and they won’t engage in the conversation, try one or more of these strategies:

Enlist Help From Family Members & Friends

There are many different ways you can enlist family members and friends to help you open up your parents to conversations about their end-of-life wishes and estate plan:

• Ask a sibling to also start asking your parents these questions. 

• Have a family meeting with all of your siblings, and impress upon your parents together the importance of opening these conversations within your family. 

• Ask a close relative or family friend to nudge your parents into these discussions by sharing their own story as a peer of your parents. 

• Start dropping stories about friends or relatives who have had negative experiences with their parent's end-of-life care or estate settlement and ask for your parent’s thoughts/advice. 

Pretend You Need Help For Yourself

One of the most successful ways to get your parents talking is to ask them for their advice. Come to them with questions about your estate plan and see if you can use it as a backdoor way to get them talking about their wishes. For example:

• I’m thinking about getting a will written, do you have any tips?

• I’m working on my will and I can’t decide who my executor should be, who did you choose? 

• I can’t decide if I want to be buried or cremated, or what instructions I should leave for my funeral. What do you think?

• I can’t decide if I should make a will or not - do you have one? 

• What was it like for you after your parents died? I’m working on my estate plan and I want to make sure it’s easier for my heirs. Any tips? 

Try, Try Again

For many people, it is difficult to think about the end of their lives.

Your parents might not be ready to answer your questions the first, second, or third time you ask. 

Stay respectful but persistent in asking for the answers you need. 

ANY information you get is better than none. Once you’ve built a degree of comfort in end-of-life discussions with your parents or grandparents, you can start to expand the conversation beyond their end-of-life wishes. 

Questions can shift to provisions in their wills, the structure of their estate plan, and anything else you may wonder about.

If you can’t make any progress, that’s OK. Your parents will make their own decisions. If they aren’t willing to engage in conversations about their estate plan or end-of-life wishes, the best thing you can do is educate yourself about what may be coming and put a team in place so you aren’t facing the unknown alone.

Let’s take the next step together

Talking to your parents about their end-of-life wishes and estate plan is not easy. Individuals and families can encounter a wide variety of different situations requiring knowledge and finesse to manage. If you need more help, you can download The 20 Inheritance Terms You Need to Know, or reach out to Katherine Fox, CFP® and CAP®, a financial planner for inheritors to learn how Sunnybranch can help you build a plan to start talking to your parents about their future plans.