Posted on September 9, 2024 by Katherine Fox.

7 ESSENTIAL mediation strategies for conflict resolution in UHNW families 

It feels impossible to know what to do when everyone in your family is fighting over a current or future inheritance.

It feels impossible to know what to do when everyone in your family is fighting over a current or future inheritance.

Your family is worth tens of millions of dollars and that’s all anyone can think about.

Family harmony, love, and selflessness are out the window.

Everyone is fighting for their share and what they think is “right.”

This conflict is exhausting. It can also easily turn hateful and shatter relationships into a mess of irreparable pieces.

You’re not alone. 

This is a common experience in wealthy families. 

And there are professionals who have been through this themselves and who are here to help your family come out the other side, together. 

If you’re wondering:

• Why should a UHNW family use a mediator or family meeting facilitator?

• Who should be invited to a UHNW family meeting?

• How should a UHNW family meeting discussing wealth and inheritance start?

• How can we ensure civil behavior during a UHNW family meeting?

• Who gets to speak or share their perspective during a UHNW family meeting?

• What is the best way to go from discussion to solutions at a UHNW family meeting?

• How do we keep momentum going after a successful UHNW family meeting? 

This guest post from Suzy Reidman, family mediator and inheritance consultant at Given Not Earned has all the information you need. 

Keep reading for the 7 ESSENTIAL mediation strategies for conflict resolution in UHNW families and how a mediator can help you navigate your path forward. 

It may not be possible for families to agree on a unanimous path forward, but Suzy’s suggestions for family meetings and mediation can help all ultra-high net worth (UHNW) families reach consensus on manageable outcomes for everyone. 

And if you need more help, I’m here for you too.

I’m Katherine. I’m a CFP® and a financial advisor for inheritance.

I’m here to help you through this journey, whatever your needs are. 

If you’re trying to get up to speed, check out the 20 Terms Inheritors Need to Know or How to Talk to Your Parents About Their End-of-Life or Estate Plan. 

And if you’re deep in the weeds and don’t know what to do next, schedule a FREE consultation to see how I can help you build a plan to understand, manage, and grow your inherited wealth.

1.lWhy should a UHNW family use a mediator or family meeting facilitator?

When families are face to face with conflict, particularly around death and inheritance, calm leadership is imperative to reaching resolution. If there is a member of the family respected as a leader who can remain neutral, this is the person for the job. Due to the nature of family, it is rare to have a truly neutral family member. For this reason, I find it most useful to hire a 3rd party to mediate.

When my family was going through a dispute around inherited property ownership, we engaged with both an attorney and a therapist in hopes that they would help us achieve a peaceful outcome. 

While, for some families, either of these professionals could have served the needed purpose, they did not work for us.

Some attorneys are trained in mediation but many view it as their job to ensure that their client (the one holding the wealth) “wins”. They want what’s best for their client. They are not in the business of family harmony.

Therapy is incredibly useful if you want to take a deep look into why the current conflict exists and have ongoing sessions to work through grievances. However, requesting that adult siblings participate in ongoing therapy may not be a productive way to move forward with a solution to the issue at hand.

There’s another, vastly underutilized, option: mediation. Mediation is a service available to families experiencing a conflict of varying sorts. Hiring a trained mediator, or conflict resolution coach, can be an effective way to address the presenting conflict and work toward a swift resolution. 

Family mediation is an efficient process and is approached like a project that has a beginning and an end.

7 ESSENTIAL mediation strategies for conflict resolution in UHNW families 

Keep reading to get educated and ensure you understand how a family mediator can help you family solve conflicts around family wealth and inheritance.

2. Who should be invited to a UHNW family meeting?

It is important to involve everyone who is immediately affected by the current conflict. 

For example: 

Grandma and Grandpa have 2 kids. 

Each of their kids has a spouse and 2 kids of their own. 

Grandpa dies, Grandma wants to downsize and the adult children, their spouses and Grandma are experiencing conflict around who inherits Grandma and Grandpa’s property.

In this case, it would be wise to invite Grandma (the one with the assets), the adult siblings (the ones inheriting the assets) and their spouses.

If the spouses would like to stay out of it, that is their prerogative, but giving them the option to be involved demonstrates a care for them as integral parts of the family whose voices matter.

If there are grandkids, it may or may not be necessary to involve them in this conversation depending on their ages and involvement with family wealth.

When you invite everyone, be clear on what this meeting is about, how long it will last, and that

if a clear path forward isn’t established in one meeting, follow-up meetings will be scheduled.

3. How should a UHNW family meeting discussing wealth and inheritance start?

Once the meeting begins, the 3rd party, or family member leading the meeting, needs to establish the purpose of this gathering. 

This purpose is useful to refer back to when each person is sharing his or her perspective. As you can imagine, in the face of conflict, emotions can run high and tangents can be long. Acknowledge the emotion and concern, but for the good of all involved, steer the speaker back to the purpose of the meeting.

Remind everyone how long the meeting will last and that follow up meetings may need to happen. 

Sometimes after the initial family meeting, a mediator will meet 1-on-1 with each family member (or couple) to gain a better understanding of their perspectives of the conflict and what they need in order to move forward. If a mediator does this caucus, then there will need to be a family meeting scheduled after all the 1-on-1’s are completed.

For the future health of the family as a whole, they need to have the opportunity to meet again and find resolution together. 

This is what sets mediation apart as an effective tool for conflict resolution and improved interpersonal dynamics. 

Consider how different it would feel to sit down with your family and reach an agreement together versus having an attorney, who doesn’t understand the humans involved, meet with the family matriarch/patriarch, draft a legally binding document and present it individually to all the parties to sign. 

If the goal is to have a perpetually healthy, functioning extended family unit, which of these options serves that purpose better? The one that humanizes each person or the one that informs and dictates?

4. How can we ensure civil behavior during a UHNW family meeting?

This is very important part of effective conflict resolution. 

To have the best chance for productive dialogue, everyone needs to feel safe, respected and heard. 

Create an environment that fosters harmony by focusing on the positive outcomes that you believe are possible through this process. Let everyone know that just the fact that they are here and willing to work together toward resolution, is a huge win.

Clearly state that each person will have a chance to share. Let them know that interruption, and arguing will not be tolerated. If they have something to say suggest they write it down and bring it up when it is their turn to speak. Hand out pens and paper for people to take notes.

Make sure phones are silenced and out of sight.

Encourage people to share their perspectives without placing blame on others. Know that this is a challenge to do during conflict, and have grace with each other when emotions take over.

5. Who gets to speak or share their perspective during a UHNW family meeting?

Once the expectations have been established, it’s time to dig in.

 Allowing everyone a chance to speak uninterrupted is crucial. When emotions are running high, and people are saying disagreeable things, being assured that everyone has a turn to talk allows a person to listen.

Listen for the needs that underly the conflict. 

For example:

One sibling may say that she cannot stand the idea of the other sibling inheriting the family home because she’ll ruin it. 

What’s the need behind the statement? 

It sounds like she is longing to hold onto the past. Perhaps she needs a sense of home. Take notes of the specific issues that are shared and the needs behind the issue.

During this time, the mediator, or assigned family facilitator, can ask clarifying questions to fully understand the perspective and deeper needs of the person sharing. The mediator also can cut off unproductive tangents that are derailing the purpose of the conversation. 

In some cases, it can be helpful to place a time limit on how long each person has the floor. If you know that certain people are likely to carry on, this may be an effective measure to put in place when you are outlining the meeting.

6. What is the best way to go from discussion to solutions at a UHNW family meeting?

At this point, everyone has had a chance to share. 

Their concerns are on the table and their needs have been voiced and clarified. Now, the family members involved have a chance to creatively brainstorm a wide array of possible solutions.

All ideas are welcome here. They don’t need to be realistic. 

Sometimes a completely unrealistic idea leads to a creative and practical solution. Getting the momentum going and the mind focused on solutions is what needs to happen. This tends to also put people in a positive frame of mind, enabling them to be more cooperative and less combative.

This process can take some time, and it’s ok if it doesn’t all get accomplished in one meeting.

It’s important to remember that the goal is to achieve an outcome that works for everyone, and not to get from point A to point B as quickly as possible.

My dad had a saying when training horses, “Slow is fast and fast is slow.” He knew that rushing the process, made it take longer. But if he was patient and slowed down, the horse responded positively and the two could progress quickly.

Once the family has all their ideas are on the table, allow them to select the ones they want to move forward with. Make sure that everyone is comfortable with the solutions. 

The family can decide whether they would like to formalize an agreement in writing, or move on with a verbal acceptance. 

Personally, I think it’s important to have a written agreement that can be referred to when necessary.

7. How do we keep momentum going after a successful UHNW family meeting? 

As I said earlier, when the allotted time for the meeting has come to an end, the conflict may or may not be resolved. 

In a first meeting it may become clear that several issues need to be addressed and resolved. That’s ok. It is better to be thorough than to race through important issues that have been brought to the table.

I have said many times not to rush the process. 

But this does not mean it is a good idea to allow the family to sit in a state of unresolved conflict for months on end. Whoever is in charge here - the family leader or mediator - needs to assure the family of the next steps, when they will happen and then stick to that schedule.

If it is apparent that the family needs to have 1-on-1 sessions with the 3rd party, set those up.

Perhaps schedule the next family meeting in one week and let them know that all the individual meetings will happen between now and then. 

Then quickly follow up and schedule the 1-on-1’s.

This process can be repeated until the conflict is resolved. 

Keep in mind that resolution of the presenting conflict is the goal. 

Families are rich in history and there may be many past hurts brought up that affect their ability to resolve the current conflict.

Remember to acknowledge the past and the accompanying emotions, but direct the focus to the issue at hand

I will leave you with this: 

Conflict is messy. Resolution may not look like hugs and forgiveness.

The best path forward may be to establish clearer boundaries and limited interaction. This can be the resolution that the family needs. 

Regardless of the specifics of the agreement, if the family has come up with it themselves, if they all feel comfortable with the path forward and if it allows each individual the capability to thrive in their regard, then consider it a success to celebrate.

Let’s take the next step together

Understanding how to manage family dynamics around wealth and inheritance is not easy. Inheritors can encounter a wide variety of different situations requiring knowledge and finesse to manage. If you need more help, you can download The 20 Inheritance Terms You Need to Know, or reach out to Katherine Fox, CFP® and CAP®, a fiduciary, fee-only financial planner to learn how Sunnybranch can help you work with a UHNW family mediator to create a positive resolution to disputes about family wealth and inheritance.