I got an inheritance and I’m paralyzed by guilt - what do I do?
I got an inheritance and I’m paralyzed by guilt - what do I do?
Feeling guilty after getting an inheritance is a lonely, but common, experience.
You just received a large sum of money that doesn’t belong to you, that you didn’t do anything to earn. It makes sense you feel guilty!
But that guilt doesn’t need to define how you move forward after an inheritance.
Keep reading for everything you need to know about managing guilt after getting a large inheritance.
I’m an inheritor myself and I help other inheritors manage their wealth at Sunnybranch - I’ve got ALL the strategies you need to build a plan to start feeling better about your inheritance.
Posted on July 9, 2024 by Katherine Fox.
I got an inheritance and I’m paralyzed by guilt - what do I do?
Most people don’t have any idea where to start when they are paralyzed by guilt after getting an inheritance.
When you’re feeling guilty for inheriting wealth, your mind may be reeling.
Common questions I see inheritors asking during this time are:
Do I deserve this money?
Can I use this wealth responsibly?
How will I recognize my family’s legacy?
Should I give this money away to charity?
Will people see me differently now?
Do I need to change my life after this inheritance?
What if I mess everything up?
Luckily, you ended up here. You’re closer than you’ve ever been to finding answers to these questions and moving beyond the paralyzing guilt you feel after getting an inheritance.
I’m Katherine.
I’m an inheritor myself and I’m a CFP® and investment advisor for inheritance.
I’m here to help you through this journey, whatever your needs are.
If you’re trying to get up to speed, check out the 20 Terms Inheritors Need to Know or How to Talk to Your Parents About Their End-of-Life or Estate Plan.
And if you’re deep in the weeds and don’t know what to do next, schedule a FREE consultation to see how I can help you build a plan to navigate feelings of guilt after getting a large inheritance.
Explaining why an inheritance and guilt often come together.
Americans love hard work.
Whatever your feelings are about our country’s origin, there’s no escaping the Puritan ethos that pervades every aspect of American Capitalism.
So, what happens when you get a bunch of money without doing anything at all?
For a lot of people, it feels like they did something wrong. Like they got access to a cheat code that they didn’t earn.
That feeling of “wrongness” can collide with other feelings, especially:
Grief that your loved one is no longer alive to enjoy their wealth
Discomfort with the amount of wealth you inherited
Moral disagreement with the source of your family’s wealth
These are the primary feelings I see contributing to guilt for inheritors.
Whatever the source of your guilt, the feeling runs deep.
It is fed by your relationship with your loved one who passed away, the money stories you learned growing up, and your view of your place within society.
If you’re struggling with feelings of guilt after receiving an inheritance, please give yourself grace.
This is not a feeling that is going to go away overnight. Likely, you’re going to be sitting with it for quite some time.
The first step is to accept these feelings of guilt and then start to identify the reason why you are struggling after receiving an inheritance.
I got an inheritance and I’m paralyzed by guilt - what do I do?
Inheriting wealth can be a profound and transformative experience. Unfortunately, profound and transformative experiences are not always easy to navigate.
The first step to managing guilt after an inheritance is to identify the root cause behind the guilt that you feel. The following list explores several common causes of guilt after an inheritance - which causes resonate most with you?
The first step if you’re feeling guilty after an inheritance? Explore the cause of your feelings.
I wish my loved one was here to spend their own money.
This is brutal. It is also one of the most common causes of guilt after getting an inheritance, especially for inheritors whose loved ones died too young. You inherited millions of dollars to build your own life, but the money should never have been yours. It still should be with your loved one, so they can enjoy spending it into their old age.
I didn’t earn this wealth or privilege.
Regardless of how hard you work in your own life, it is common to feel undeserving after receiving a large inheritance. It's particularly difficult to deal with this feeling if you surround yourself with friends and chosen family who come from a different class background.
My inheritance came from the exploitation of people or natural resources.
Accepting and using an inheritance that grew from practices to which you are morally opposed is an incredibly difficult journey. If your ancestors owned slaves, decimated native populations, polluted water sources, or engaged in other unethical business practices, you may feel extreme discomfort benefiting from their spoils.
I don’t know how to meet my family’s standards.
Whether you come from generations of wealth or your parents created the family fortune, inheriting wealth means navigating how you will live up to your family’s standards. These standards might be unattainable or out of line with your values and philosophy, which creates a rub between what you “should” be doing and what you want to do.
People treat me differently after this inheritance.
It might be a partner, a close friend who knows about your family wealth, members of your own family who finally see you as an adult, or organizations suddenly coming out of the woodwork asking for resources. These changes can be isolating and lead to feelings of guilt and resentment if new wealth changes your personal relationships and relationship to society.
I don’t have any idea what to do with this money.
Want to know a secret? Most people who inherit feel this way. It's a common reason they hire me, an investment advisor for inheritance. What to do with a $10+ million inheritance isn’t something you learn in school and facing an entirely new financial landscape while dealing with grief can bring up a host of unpleasant emotions, guilt included.
The second step if you’re feeling guilty after an inheritance? Decide which of these feelings are helpful, and which are weighing you down.
Once you’ve identified the “why” behind your feelings of guilt after getting an inheritance, your next step is to decide which of these feelings are helpful to you moving forward and which can hinder your growth as an inheritor.
Some of these feelings of guilt are tied up in the grieving process and may dissipate over time and with appropriate support for your mental and emotional needs.
Others, especially feelings about your inadequacy, feelings that stem from the money stories you learned growing up, and discomfort with the idea of having a large amount of wealth, may stick around.
But the uncomfortable, difficult feelings that contribute to guilt after getting an inheritance aren’t all bad.
These feelings inform your relationship to inherited wealth and will be an essential part of your plan to align inherited wealth with your values and vision for the future.
“The uncomfortable, difficult feelings that contribute to guilt after getting an inheritance aren’t all bad.
These feelings inform your relationship to inherited wealth and will be an essential part of your plan to align inherited wealth with your values and vision for the future. ”
The third step if you’re feeling guilty after an inheritance? Embrace YOUR journey.
Whatever the cause of your guilt, one of the most important steps after an inheritance is starting to build a new relationship with inherited wealth.
This process starts with an honest look at your values, what is causing you the most guilt, and what you want to achieve with your inheritance.
Set aside the pressure and the money stories you learned, and are continuing to tell yourself, and think about how you can create space to use inherited wealth in alignment with your values and goals.
For example:
Honoring a loved one’s legacy
An inheritor who feels guilty because their mom died young may use their inheritance to honor her legacy. That may mean using their wealth to spend time doing the things she loved, supporting her values in their own life, or donating to philanthropic, personal, or political causes close to her heart.
Living the same life after an inheritance
An inheritor who feels guilty because he is uncomfortable with unearned wealth may choose to continue living his life. He may choose to give his inheritance away, or “set it an forget it” and continue on the path he had already chosen before inheriting family wealth.
Redistributing family wealth to acknowledge past harms
An inheritor who feels guilty because her family’s wealth came from agriculture that used slave labor may decide to redistribute a portion of her wealth towards reparations, or towards organizations that fight human slavery across the globe.
Honoring and improving your family legacy
An inheritor who receives a family business and feels guilty because she doesn’t have the expertise of her deceased family members may decide to recognize her unique contributions, for example by encouraging the business to move into the future in a more environmentally sustainable direction.
Merging legacies
An inheritor who feels guilty because their passions lie in an area separate from their family members may get creative to carry their family legacy forward. They may not focus in the same area as their family, but apply the same core values (hard work, determination, et cetera) to their chosen pursuits.
These are only a few, small examples. There are an infinite number of ways you can think about reframing your guilt after inheriting to move forward and build a positive relationship with your new wealth.
The last step if you’re feeling guilty after an inheritance? Build your support team.
In the United States, money tends to be a quiet, unspoken thing.
Families don’t discuss it, friends don’t share their net worth.
Wealthy families retreat behind walls of advisors, into private clubs, and surround themselves with members of the same class while pretending they understand the world.
If you’re feeling guilty after an inheritance, that probably isn’t the way you want to move forward.
You don’t need to shout news of your inheritance from the rooftops, but building a trusted inner circle of friends and advisors who can help you navigate this journey can alleviate the guilt an isolation that comes with receiving a multi-million dollar inheritance at a young age.
Your team might include:
A close group of friends and/or family
You probably won’t share details of your inheritance with everyone you know, but letting one or two close friends into your circle of trust can help keep you grounded and provide an outside perspective on inherited wealth. Choose people who you trust to understand where you’re coming from and not judge you for the worries and concerns you are sharing.
A financial advisor for inheritance
Please don’t hire your parent’s financial advisor. Look for someone who understands what you're going through, has inherited themselves, and works with next-generation inheritors. Focusing on these qualities can help you find someone who will help you build YOUR vision for the future, not stick you into the box of “how wealthy people manage their money”
A money coach
Money coaches can be an incredibly helpful part of navigating guilt after receiving an inheritance, and deciding how you want to build your path forward. Look for someone who has received an inheritance themselves, has coached other inheritors, and isn’t going to push you toward their agenda.
A support network
Focus on engaging in causes you care about and trying to identify others who may be in a similar position, financially. You may also look into joining a network for individuals who have inherited wealth. Resource Generation is a great option if you’re under 35. These groups provided a safe space to share experiences and build a peer group that understands the challenges facing young inheritors.
Let’s take the next step together
Understanding how to manage guilt after receiving an inheritance is not easy. Inheritors can encounter a wide variety of different situations requiring knowledge and finesse to manage. If you need more help, you can download The 20 Inheritance Terms You Need to Know, or reach out to Katherine Fox, CFP® and CAP®, a fiduciary, fee-only financial planner to learn how Sunnybranch can help you build a plan to overcome the guilt associated with your inheritance.
